On November 11, 2020, at 9:30 on a crisp Fall morning, I successfully defended my PhD dissertation. The months leading up to that day were packed with stress and anxiety. The entirety of my PhD culminated with that one-hour presentation. It was hard not to feel the fluttering wings of a thousand butterflies in my stomach. But after an hourlong presentation followed by an hour and a half of private questioning with my committee, I was facing my laptop screen, looking at the smiling faces of my committee members as they congratulated me on passing my thesis defense. It was a moment to celebrate. The journey of six years has come to an end.
Most of my posts are reflections on my motherhood and how I tackled the challenging and beautiful journey of being a graduate-student mom. But those posts are only glimpses of my life, and although I did my best to represent my experience authentically, there’s much more that goes on behind the scenes than makes it to that neatly-written and polished blog post. What those posts perhaps haven’t fully shown was the work backstage that both of me and my husband put in during this journey to make it work, as well as the many blessings that made it possible to reach the finish line.
Like many households, ours is a two working-parent one. And for many who are familiar with this situation, it requires a delicate balance- the merging of two careers and the raising of a young child. The first year was, by far, the hardest. One of my friends perfectly compared it to a snow globe, peaceful and calm until the arrival of the baby when it’s shaken ferociously, and you’re left in the middle of a blizzard, not knowing when the snow would settle. That year, we were in survival mode most of the time, sleep-deprived and unaware of how to find our way amidst the storm. However, as our son turned one and I passed my qualifying exam, we began to find our balance. We sleep-trained our son, and with our sleep back on schedule, we were able to establish a routine.
Without getting into the nitty-gritty details about our daily lives, the biggest factor that helped me and my husband throughout our PhDs was an intentional and mutual understanding of the importance of each other’s goals, both personal and professional. On weekends, we did things together as a family, but we also gave each other alone time to do something for ourselves. This is how most of my blog posts came to life. We both contributed to our relationship and supported each other. When I was preparing for my qualifying exam and defense, my husband took the majority of the workload in our home and caring for our son. When my husband had his surgery, I did the same. Those were two of the countless times when one us chipped in more than the other. We weren’t racing each other, but rather cooperating in a relay race.
Another factor that helped us thrive was a mutual understanding that, although we fell into a routine in terms of what tasks either one of us performed, neither one was obligated to do them. We did them because we both wanted to contribute. If at some point one of us decided that he/she didn’t want to do that chore anymore, the other would be open to shifting our tasks and creating a new routine. This mindset played a significant role in our willingness to do daily, sometimes boring, chores.
It’s important to note that none of what I mentioned above came either naturally or easily. It was a new situation to us, and it took many trials and errors to find something that worked for our family. In addition to that, we were blessed with things that made the journey smoother. We had access to a walking-distance quality daycare, supportive advisors, friends living in the same neighborhood with whom we alternated babysitting, and the emotional support of our families from thousands of miles away.
As with my other blog posts, this one captures snapshots of my life and offers the benefit of hindsight. It is not intended to be a how-to blog, but rather a reflection on what I think helped me and my husband have a generally well-balanced academic life.
And so, when people command my ability to combine motherhood and school, while I acknowledge my own hard work, I also acknowledge the work done by my husband, and all the blessings that we had along the way that made this journey possible.