The past couple of weeks found me feeling drained and lethargic. My insides mirrored the yellowish-grey skies that engulfed the bay area with no end in sight. It started two weeks ago, when a rare dry thunderstorm struck in the early hours of the morning and initiated over 350 wildfires, covering the bay area with a thick blanket of smoke.
A big part of me is grateful that we are far enough from the fires that we didn’t need to worry about evacuating our homes- something that unfortunately many people had to do. My own experience is that of someone who was fortunate to be able to stay home, but whose daily life got disrupted by the wildfire smoke.
It had taken me a while to create a working routine amid the ongoing pandemic- one that I felt content and productive with. This routine was centered around spending as much time outdoors as possible, so that my active 4-year old could run around and release his energy, and I’d breathe the beautiful fresh air of northern California. But when this component was taken away due to the smoke, my coping mechanism collapsed, and I found myself unequipped to handle these uncharted territories.
I didn’t expect that the simple act of opening the windows in the morning, and throughout the day, had such an effect on my mood. That is, until I wasn’t able to do so. Sitting inside our home felt suffocating, especially in the middle of a heatwave when it felt like even the walls were sweating. I wanted so badly to be outside, and the more I expressed that, the worse I felt about being inside.
I wish I could say that I found ways to cope with these unprecedented circumstances. So far, I didn’t. I keep checking the air quality on my phone throughout the day. It hasn’t been as bad as I’d anticipated in the beginning. Though the air is mostly unhealthy, there’s a couple of hours each evening when the wind changes direction, and the sky clears up enough for us to go outside and recharge. The heatwave is over for now, and the air inside our home is not as stuffy. We also had two clear days last week, and that helped lift our spirits. It reminded us that this situation would end some day.
In the meantime, I’m learning to accept that some situations are just difficult. In fact, there’s a sense of peace in acknowledging that. I find that it frees us from the need to find the bright side of everything, because there will always be times when we can’t do that. And when we try to force ourselves to be happy while experiencing difficult emotions, it can suppress those feelings that needed to come out- like putting the cap on a shaken bottle of soda. This hinders our ability to let go of those emotions and carry on with our lives, and might leave us feeling bad about feeling bad, and blaming ourselves for experiencing normal human emotions.
Sometimes, the best we can do is to get through each day, acknowledge that things are difficult, and hold on to the hope that the skies would be clear tomorrow.